September 14, 2010 at 7:25 am #270076
Since moving here just 3 months ago and adapting with a small child and the culture my marriage has disappeared.
My wife is Brasilian but has spent half here life with me in North America.
The stress of dogs barking baby crying and living in a shoe box compared to what im used to has made me resentful.
She has told me she dosnt love me anymore.
The catch is we have a kid together and i still love her. She has offered to pay for my flight home and just move on with our lifes. Half of me wants to go rent a AirBNB suite for a couple months an see if a little space will help me the other half is telling me to break free from Brasil..
Im looking for some advice , this is very serious and decisions must be made. Thank you fellow Gringoes
September 14, 2010 at 9:32 am #270078
Moving and adapting here in Brazil will take far longer then 3 months. My advice is to calm down and figure out what you want to do with your life without the perceived stressers which are driving you crazy right now included in your decision making.Brazil will not change, that’s for sure. The barking dogs at all hours and the over complicated methods to do things here in Brazil which are easy in the US can and will make you crazy. That list will continue forever if you let it get to you. That is for sure. You might just need more time to adapt. Lower your expectations to “0” and see your stress reduce as well.You have a child with this lady. If you want to have a good relationship with this child, make sure your future includes being an important part of their lives.Good luck!-Marc
September 14, 2010 at 9:46 am #270081
+1 mmaser.Having a baby- big stressinternational move- big stressthe first YEAR is a big mess. Give yourself a pass and remind yourself that.you say you still love her and you have a kid, which means that for the next 18+ years, you will have to interact with her, like it or not. get some therapy, get a mediator, try to take a neutral stance. Sit down with her and tell her what you just said- try to look for some positives together or your life will be a hot mess.
September 14, 2010 at 11:59 am #270088
Thats some great advice from both3 casas and mmaser. I hope i can follow through as i try my best but if she is not happy with me its kinda complicated, i loose it a little complaining about Brasil and my baby crying 24/7.
In an ideal world these solutions sound so easy as we have tried councelling and again have been told im just a turn off cause of my attitude.
I really appriciate the feedback though. Almost everyday is back to the airport for me, so i just went and bought a bunch more portugese books as learning the language better will surely help.
Living here without much freedom is just another layer of stress.
September 14, 2010 at 1:18 pm #270089
well, having been through the hell that is crying babies, the first year of that is also a real bitch and enough to drive you to drink/distress no matter how happy your life is, so your wife may be having a hard time for reasons completely unrelated, but putting the blame on you, because it’s not socially acceptable to blame the baby.And I know the logistics of finding a counselor here is easier said than done, or anywhere really (been there done that, and helped a lot), but any kind of neutral party here, to acknowledge that both of you are going through some hard times but to referee what’s going on, can help a lot. And maybe see if you can finangle some time that someone can watch bebe and you can both get out alone for a bit and try to remember why you decided to move here and have kids in the first place? Do you have inlaws or anyone you can rely on?
September 16, 2010 at 7:56 pm #270173
She has reconnected with her ex BF or something. When a woman says she doesn’t love you anymore it’s serious business. Do not beg. You probably can do way better anyway, especially in Brazil. The problem of course is your child.
I would say you would have to resolve all your issues so you have a very strong negotiating position — which is hard for a man, that is why you should do your homework. Get shared child custody and sign nothing away! The biggest deal for the single mother in Brazil is she can not travel out of the country without an authorization from you. This is your biggest bargaining position. If she has US influence she is very likely to try to get child support money out of you but unwilling to shared parenting. This is not acceptable to you. You should be iron hard on that. If you give away your bargaining chips to hope she would come back to you: forget it man.
The main issue for you is to re-start your life without being on the hook to pay for her life and leisure. While it is very bad for your child to be left without you with the mother, very bad indeed, there is only so much you can do about that.
Now, once you have a very strong bargaining position, you should put your foot down and take her elsewhere and try to assert your priority. But you need to be the man, and take her away from wherever she is now (that secret ex-BF she is sleeping with already). Do NOT do trial separation bullsh*t, she is not on some self-discovery meditation trip. Forget it. If you act like a burro she will treat you like one.
Sorry for your loss.
Squiddie 2014-09-17 23:24:22
September 17, 2010 at 8:27 am #270195
[QUOTE=Squiddie] When a woman says she doesn’t love you anymore it’s serious business.
[/QUOTE]The exact same thought crossed my mind.
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