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  • #212112

    MANDOZER!!
    Member

    So I am an American dating a Brazilian man! We are not getting married at this point, but the option is definitely there. I would be fine with living in either Brazil or the United States, but my mom is especially worried about me getting married and ending up living in Brazil. I don’t want to hurt or upset my family, but at the same time I don’t think its reason enough to decide that I can’t marry the person I love.
    Other couples, how has your international marriage affected your family and is it worth it?

  • #212113

    Gianni
    Member

    It all depends on how naive your family is and how their expectations of you reflect how much you are willing to be affected by their approval or disapproval.

  • #212119

    MANDOZER!!
    Member

    are you married to a brazilian?

  • #212126

    hoganti
    Member

    [QUOTE=lizza] So I am an American dating a Brazilian man! We are not getting married at this point, but the option is definitely there. I would be fine with living in either Brazil or the United States, but my mom is especially worried about me getting married and ending up living in Brazil. I don’t want to hurt or upset my family, but at the same time I don’t think its reason enough to decide that I can’t marry the person I love.
    Other couples, how has your international marriage affected your family and is it worth it? [/QUOTE]
    for someone who dated a guy over the summer yet wasn’t with him exclusively when you were back in the states this sounds like a pretty big step.

  • #212127

    MANDOZER!!
    Member

    No I know, I was just wondering how it has worked out for other people. A lot has changed since I posted that other thing, but it definitely remains to be seen how it will all turn out. We’re going to be living together for the first time when I get to Brazil, so obviously we’ll have to see how that goes. Just thinking and wondering, thats all!

  • #212133

    [QUOTE=frank4000]
    3.Are you both of the same race, religion, financial and educational background.
    [/QUOTE]
    I’d add …do you have the same religion? same ideas for children and child rearing?
    Are your parents close to retirement?
    Also, is he willing to consider moving to the US? Just knowing that he WOULD move, if you both felt at some point in the future, that it would be mutually beneficial can help things.
    In the end, the impact on your family has a lot to due with money. It really isn’t that different than marrying someone out of state (which isn’t that hard with skype, google chat on your cellphone and constant messages from your parents), but money can be a big issue. If you realistically think you can earn a good living in Brazil, then it might be worth the move.
    The distance isn’t too hard when things are going well, but if something major happens at home, you need to make sure you have enough money to go home on short notice.
    For example, after years of going home every 12-15months, I found out in late Jan that my dad was diagnosed with cancer. Even though I couldn’t be with him as much as I would’ve liked, I was able to go home for a week during carnaval. I am going home at the end of the month for 10days and again in early September, to celebrate the birth of my second niece. I am far from rich, but my husband and I have enough money to allow this and my husband has been super supportive of my trips. If I couldn’t get home when I needed to, it would make living here much harder.
    I think the distance gets worse when you have kids. You will need to budget yearly flights home (possibly without your husband due to money, visa and job concerns) and might also have to choose between spending holidays with your husband or with your kids. Unless your parents are wealthy, you might also need to budget for them to come visit you at least once a year (you can’t expect them to pay for your choice to live abroad) and host them with you (or even with the in-laws). You have to make an extra effort to introduce your kids to English, your family’s traditions and culture, etc. to help ease their relationship with your parents.
    Financially, I think this can be more taxing in Brazil than in the US (with your husband’s family in Brazil).
    If you are thinking about marrying and possibly staying, you really should start having these talks with your bf, before you get too far in and someone ends up being hurt. It’s weird talking about child rearing and financial stuff when you aren’t sure if it’s in your future (if you will marry, even if you only want to have kids at 30, or even if you just want them in generally) but it’s necessary. You don’t have to come to any conclusions early on – but if you can’t have those hypothetical conversations, then the relationship probably isn’t worth it and probably won’t pan out.
    At your age, its 50% about love and attraction and 50% about willing to compromise and not hold each other back from your potential (or your families). As long as you can guarantee that, you’ll figure the other stuff out and your families should respect your choices.

  • #212156

    sven van ‘t Veer
    Participant

    [QUOTE=frank4000] my 2 cents.
    1. Does he speak english.
    2.Have your family met him.
    3.Are you both of the same race, religion, financial and educational background.
    4.Do you really love him and is he the man you want spend the rest of your life with and does he feel the same.
    5. Are you willing to work at your relationship every day and does he feel the same.
    ????[/QUOTE]
    That’s 5 cents, not two.

  • #212574

    trout31324
    Member

    My family miss me and will continue to do so, as I will them. But they have told me many times that what they really want is for me to be happy, and they know that she is the person who makes me happy.
    Of course it’s hard but that’s life.

  • #212577

    RioVida
    Member

    I think this is actually a huge issue. Not that it cannot be worked out but glad you at least worry about it. Because of the distance birthdays, anniversaries, family and friends get togethers especially in the summers, general support is usually missed. I read here that the wifes family is enough… it is not really. Your own family you have history with….songs you grew up with that take you back to great memories when you hear them on the radio…. works with the ones you left behind as well. Summer concerts my BF and I (we are both americans) love to go to for the 4th or just great old rock bands are now worked into the schedule… it irks me sometimes… but we deal with it. Your family is your family so they will support you be there is tons you miss just be prepared….. there is a lot of good memories you won’t be part of if you cannot return home for years….. My ex missed tons with our daughter and he was just in another city. Life flies and there is no redos. If you are happy I am sure they will support you but don’t be surprised if they also don’t include you in all things. People get busy with life and work…. it is out of sight out of mind most times. that is my opinion… not saying what you do is wrong but there are consequences that come up.

  • #223998

    shakey1066
    Member

    HI, I just wondered how you are getting on. I think it is great you are thinking about these things before getting married and I know how you feel about family. The important things for me (looking back) – are you both from the same financial backgrounds, can you afford to get back to your country on a regular basis, what about raising kids? Honesty with each other now will save a lot of problems down the road as with any partnership but I would suggest living together as long as possible (visas) in each others country before any big steps. I was in similar position, it has been big culture shocks on both sides.

  • #22577

    MANDOZER!!
    Member

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