• Author
    Posts
  • #276364

    Anonymous

    So, I am an mixed Asian female in my mid-20s living in US, and several months back, I met a new Brazilian guy at work (from Sao Paolo), who is here through some exchange program. We were e-mailing about his arrival logistics upon the request of his boss, and so became good friends within a month of his arrival here. He relied on me for help with a lot of things because love to help new people, and also because he spoke very little English when he got here.

    As our friendship evolved, I noticed he was being very affectionate towards meâ‚Ǩhugging me and kissing me on my forehead, touching my shoulders when we hung out, offering me his jacket constantly outside (even though he is from Brazil and I am from New England lol), holding my hands in rough road areas, and always initiating plans for us to hangout and enjoy time together. He would also keep taking pictures of me when we were out. Basically, he did things an American man would do only if he was dating me.

    Now, he became good friends with me and another close female friend of mine, and told both us that we were super nice, beautiful girls. She is a US citizen, I am not. Now I am aware that Brazilian men can be way more touchy and feely than American men, so I didn’t think his appreciation of me had any romantic component to it, so I didn’t want to think about the possibility till he started opening up to me about his love life past. In the beginning, this guy was apparently under the impression I had a boyfriend (which wasn’t true), but that my female friend was single and available.She was definitely a lot more accessible as well verbally, seeing that she also has minor English difficulty (newish immigrant from East Asia), and I am a fluent speaker of multiple languages and talk at the speed of light.

    Few weeks later, I was out of town and he was bored, and she was available to hang out with him – just the two of them – for few days in a row. He asked her out after some emotional conversation between them led him to interpret her fragility as “I need a boyfriend”. (Recall, his English is poor.)She didn’t see him that way, but he was insistent, even held her hand, and even though she declined his offer, he didn’t understand the message and kept bringing that up to her in the upcoming days via social media.She is young and not comfortable around men in general, so got scared and reported him to our boss for sexual harassment.

    In the meantime (just prior to her warning him), he never told me any of this, but since the day that happened (I was back in town then), we started hanging out by ourselves – just the two of us, he kept telling me how beautiful and amazing I was, and we’d spend all night together hanging out in the cold and he invited me over to his room in his house a few times to hang out by ourselves (now he learned I was single but that I didn’t easily get into relationshipsâ‚Ǩ¬¶) He asked me suddenly one night if I was open to long distance relationships, and I didn’t really think twice before casually answering I dislike them, and he made a point of saying he is personally completely okay with them. That was the last time I spent the evening in his room, but he seemed really nervous and kept his hands off completely while we were there, and we sat next to each other on his bed, talking about petty things like his room decorations. Now, this day happened a week after I had told him I knew about his incident with my friend – and so now, he had become less tactile and more embarrassed around me as a result of that.He was smilingly shyly and looking down, while sitting in a figure-4 position. He also said something along the lines of “I’d ask you to stay, but I don’t have the extra mattress that’s usually around. Let me see if my roommates have it.”

    Now, a week before that night, I tried to have the conversation with him trying to figure out what exactly his side of the story was with my friend’s incident, he got very embarrassed that I knew about it, that she shared his personal life occurring with me. I told him it was because she and I were good friends, and while it was difficult for me to be stuck in the middle of this, I wanted to make sure both of them were okay. He proceeded to say how wonderful I was, that a person like me was hard to find these days, and how I am his best friend, and that before all this happened this other girl and me were “same to him” (does that mean he liked both of us??). He also claimed my friend must be jealous of his and my relationship (NOT).

    A few days after this evening, I noticed he seemed scared to be affectionate around me knowing that our boss not only knows about the incident but also the fact that I have a close relationship with him as well. So to clear the air, I told him I liked him more than a friend. I didn’t ask what he thought about my feelings, but as soon as I told him I liked him more than a friend, he said “I know, I know it very well. I want to be friends now, but maybe laterâ‚Ǩ¬¶?”We were more friendly and expressive towards each other for a few days after this conversation, he started lying to avoid hanging out, and eventually blocked me from all his social media without me causing him any problems. And not even at the same time, FB one month, Skype the following month, etc., even though I never contacted him ever in some of these media and had only added him cause he asked me to. This was around the same time when he met a bunch of new people, since he was now making conscious efforts to meet Brazilian people following that incident. But he grew increasingly paranoid, turned down every offer to hang out, and selectively avoided any event I was attending, even work-related things. (My friend and him do not talk at all since their incident).

    He recently deleted my phone no. from his contacts even though I haven’t called or texted him in months. I tried to talk to him about it few months back, in a way as not to ambush him, but he said he doesn’t want to talk and things are complicated. He never compliments me anymore, even if everyone else around him does. Sometimes, I have to work in a room in the next building with the window facing his office window directly, and he goes out of his way to see if I am there, stares at me through it, and eventually shuts off the blinds upon seeing me. He also accused me of stalking him at places I didn’t even know he was around at (we work in the same building and his house follows the exact route to my house as well ~_~) so it feels to me like he has been overly aware of my presence around him. I told him I don’t want drama and life is short so he should just have fun in the time he has left here, not fret over things, but he hasn’t replied to any of my emails, texts (I sent only a few) for months, even in regards to unrelated matterâ‚Ǩ¬¶ He is also been actively trying to shelter his personal life from me, e.g. using the back exit whenever he knows he will run into me on his usual way out, hiding inside a random building when he sees me out on the road, taking a seat in a different area when he walks into the same restaurant as me and thinks I haven’t spotted him yet, etc. When we do get stuck in a social situation together in a group, he has a tendency to pay aattention to me only if I say something in the romance/relationship category, but otherwise just types away on his phone. He doesn’t visually look annoyed when he sees me, but acts pretty edgy these days…

    So my question is, what do you think happened?Is it common for men there to be all secretive and childish like this? I am wondering if he is intimidated by me since I know a lot of people and have a big mouth, even though I’m discreet about our personal stuff. Like I said, it was very confusing for me to read signs and see if he was interested in me and decided to back off because of my friend’s thing or if his advances towards me were just purely “friendly” in nature? He won’t give me any answers but seems to be doing everything to avoid me at work as well. Unfortunately, I already had feelings for him at the time of my friend’s incident, so it was too late for me to not be involved. Like I said, I cared about both of them. I don’t think he has trouble attracting girls, seeing that he is super good-looking as well. A part of me really hates him cause I feel like he used me and threw me away like trash, and before all this happened he told me “he will never make me suffer”. I am angry cause I try to be civil to him at work so that I can stop associating him with negative emotions, but I feel like I’ve been putting up a facade and my self-respect is being hurt. Thing is, he made me really happy the little time we spent together and you can see both of us glowing in all our pictures together. Even my other friend keeps saying how cute we look together, even though she is pissed at him, and told me seeing how happy he makes me, she’d be okay with it if he and I started dating at any point. (See why I love my friend? She is selfless and amazing.)

    (Sorry about the length. As you can see, this is a rather complicated situation.) adelphijenny2015-07-20 05:01:52

  • #276366

    Serrano
    Participant

    Wow! After all of that, you must be out of breath. Coitada.
    I suggest the following….

    1. Make a BIG exhale.

    2. Take an even bigger inhale (bottled O2 might prove helpful during this step).

    Boa sorte!

  • #276367

    Anonymous

    My guy indeed has been giving me asthma attacks. haha.

  • #276370

    Anonymous

    [QUOTE=adelphijenny]Long story short[/QUOTE]
    Come again?

  • #276375

    lilina
    Member

    Can we have a drama free place to chat?

  • #276379

    @ adelphijenny – Oh girl, the DRAMA! You are in the throws of Brazilian culture vs American culture!! Cut your losses and run (and recognize that you probably only have feelings for him because he ran away)!

    Brazilian men (people?) should ALWAYS be viewed suspiciously – particularly if you live in USA, Canada, Ireland/England, or Australia. They will do the casanova bit (or if it is a woman, try to get pregnant) as a means of marrying and gaining status as a permanent resident.
    Most likely, it was not intimidation, as much as it was difficulty in communicating + the availability of lots of other women/people in your area – some of whom may speak Spanish or Portuguese already. You are treating him as though he is an innocent child (probably because he SOUNDS like one when trying to speak English).
    Usually, if the Brazilian man is straight, they will pursue you 150%. It sounds like he is trying to completely break ties with you (which is rare for Brazilian people, as I know them), so you should assume that he is “lost” and keep moving forward.
  • #276380

    lilina
    Member

    Not all…but most Brazilian men are GARBAGE.

  • #276381

    Anonymous

    @bbrasileira had I known this whole situation with my friend was gonna make me such a collateral damage in the long run and he was gonna be someone who turned into a sissy just because I knew about a sexual harassment case about him, I would have stayed out of this whole matter. And yes part of his charms lie in his slow broken English for me, his constant need for help and explanation, his heart-warming smile and demeanor that reminds me of my father who has lived in another country from me for ages, and his damn cute looks (I am a very visual person). I probably would have forgotten about him by now had he not made me feel so great, needed and once again, his damn good looks. He seems to be avoiding women altogether after this incident, and all of a sudden started focusing on work instead of trying to get us to hang out with him, but it is true that when he met his Brazilian friends/when he backed off, he also met a few girls. I may not have run into them as he is constantly trying to hide from me outside our work building and always asks his friends to meet up outside the area cause he wants to keep his personal life a secret after my friend reported him for harassment. But seriously, what a sissy. How do I get over him?

    Also, I know that his only girlfriend ever – his ex gf – of many years broke up with him cause she didn’t want to to long distance when he decided to pursue work abroad. And that put him in years worth of depression. I always wondered if he started running away cause I reminded him of his gf somehow. He talks of her like a crazy bitch and has always implied the person who breaks things off is always in the fault, no matter what the original problem is. And I may have said a few things as part of another conversation suggesting asking me out is not a good idea (I mean, I am not gonna be his consolation prize after he nearly two-timed with my friend).

    But I am asking this for future reference, how do you tell a guy who is just being friendly (in the way I wrote in my post) vs a guy who is actually romantically interested in you? I mean, I couldn’t tell if he kept inviting me to his room in his house so often late at night and forced to pay for all my meals because that’s just how friendly Brazilian guys are, or if he was actually trying to court me.

    adelphijenny2015-07-19 22:36:09

  • #276382

    @adlephijenny – My red flags go up when you talk about his “avaoiding women”. Another thing here is that there are a LOT of closeted homosexual/ “downlow” men from Brazil (that is not a “gay bashing” statement. Rather, it is just a cultural observation). Where i am from, it is not at all uncommon to see gay men and “down low” men married to women, with kids, the whole thing!!

    If it is a straight man, on the other hand, I have NEVER met a Brazilian one who is so depressed after a breakup – regardless of how long the relationship was – that he just avoids women altogether. It is also a strong element of the culture for people to lie A LOT !LOL
    When considering a Brazilian man, remember that, culturally, a lot of the subtle cues that Americans use to determine interest (sustained eye contact, close personal space, making benign physical contact) don’t really mean anything for them! If they ARE interested, they pursue unambiguously. Kissing is the big thing that they do here just to say “I like you.” They will also take the lead initially in planning things and making contact. If it is a guy from the upper-class, though, he may be a bit childish (and even seem mildly retarded with some thingsLOL) Also, if he is from the north/northeast, if he invites you somewhere, it is normal for him to pay because 1) he is the “man (this is a macho society) and 2) he invited you, so even if he ISN”T romantically intersted, he will still pay for you!
    It just seems that there is a wide gulf between American culture and what you know of Brazilian culture.
    Usually, if Brazilia guys want to pursue, they usually want to talk a lot during the day and go out a lot. THEY will usually initiate most of this in the beginning!
  • #276383

    lilina
    Member

    Nossa! A Brazilian telling the (sad) truth about her people and culture….Miracles do happen once in a 100 years! Freddy792015-07-19 23:09:42

  • #276384

    Anonymous

    @ bbrasileira, seeing that he kept initiating all our hangouts, made me the only girl he ever took to his usual restaurant (to the point all the waiters congratulated him for finally coming in with a girl, he always eats alone apparently, and he goes there every day so I now that’s true even now), kept msging me all day about stupid things like how he was hungry and waiting for him me in his office, and made me stay late at our nights out together and most importantly, besides paying actually kept bringing me back to his bedroom, does that mean he was actually interested in me at some point more than a friend and just decided to back out given all the drama crap that happened around my friend? I’ve change my original post now to highlight some of the key stuff (I simply don’t know how to make it shorter). Also, I come from an upper class than him. He is from a low middle class, first person in his family to go to college, and we’re both only child. So he does have that only child mamma’s boy innocent thing going on about him. Except now he always looks edgy lol. adelphijenny2015-07-19 23:15:18

  • #276385

    @adelphijenny – Giiiiirll! At the end of the day, he is Brazilian. If you feel that he looks “edgy” and he is from a lower class, I would DEFINITELY say back away from the dude, as they can be a bit shady (but even the upper-class Brazilian dudes are known to get into shady sh*t from time to time )

    With the other behavior (him initiating, paying, etc.) I would say that that is common Brazilian when men are interested in at least knowing you more. If they are alone with you, they will usually initiate more physical / sexual contact if they want “more” with you. However, you did mention that he became unavailable when he met a Brazilian group of friends, so I am thinking that he was lonely when he first got there and attached himself to you because you were nice and attractive! However, you became unavailable and he became pushy with your friend and she reacted poorly (and if she is accusing him of sexual harrassment, I think maybe “more” happened than they are letting on). But, based on what you have said, it seems like he is trying to start over with his new Brazilian friends and put your relationship behind him completely.
    The Brazilian people will show him the ins-n-outs of America from THEIR perspective – something that you cannot give him. But rest assured that your passionate tenacious behavior is VERY Brazilian!
    It just sounds like he is into some other things that may or may not be “good” things and he has found a group that is linguistically and culturally a better “fit” for him.
  • #276388

    @ Freddy – This is the ROMANCE section of the forum! First it was Black American people that you hate with a passion, and now it is Brazilian men! Did you have a bad relationship with a Brazilian man? Did he hurt you?

  • #276390

    Anonymous

    @bbrasileira also I think he re-acted so poorly with his ex-gf cause he, just like me, has trouble getting over people. That was his first and only gf and they almost lived together for years. And she was rich and high class too, but apparently cheating runs in her family so she didn’t trust him to be faithful to her when he decided to go abroad and broke things off. He was really hurt that she broke things off over phone, and maybe thinks it will make him a bad person if he tries to answer my questions via phone, even though he won’t even look at me straight (but look down and smile shyly) when I directing a question at him. He seems to be more comfortable talking to me as a colleague if I look like sh*t, but he acts really really strange if I am dressed up and looking all feminine and powerful. He said he found me to be like Brazilian people, warm and friendly and caring and that the common traits he and I shared in terms of wanting to be friendly and helpful is what made him think I was so great. As for the sexual harassment, long story short, my friend is a victim of childhood sexual abuse, so she freaks out if a guy tries to touch her (even pat her head), I’ve asked her to seek therapy (so that she can eventually develop romantic relationships) but she is not up to it. So that day, when she was crying to him about his past and told she gets weird when men touch her her while crying in her car, his way of consoling her was to try and touch her head and hand. That set off bells in her mind and she told him to back off, but didn’t want to be impolite so somehow sent him a mixed message by taking him to dinner afterwards (making him think despite her asking him to stop touching her, she was receptive to his feelings). And it turns out he said all this stuff specifically after she told him she thinks of him just as a friend, but somehow his delusional male ego made him think her crying = she wanted him to be her boyfriend. *Sigh* But since she felt uncomfortable with the fact that he didn’t understand why she got so worked up, and kept enforcing that matter afterwards, and also was woo’ing me at the same time through tactile nature, she told me she felt like she had to report him because she wanted to make sure he didn’t try the same thing with me. She said she felt like he needed to get some official warning, even though I kept saying I thought this whole thing was a misunderstanding due to different culture + language, but again she is a victim of previous abuse, so I could understand why she was so scared.

  • #276391

    @adelphijenny – What a complicated situation! Since all of you still work together, I can see why he’s insecure / uncomfortable. And Brazilians do have a kind of “collective mind” when it comes to friends and family (meaning that they will often view an entire family or group of friends as if it were the same person! And the same goes for personal experiences. So if something happens to one of them, its as if it happened to ALL of them – particularly if they are from the lower class). He probably sees you and your friend as 1 person (I have had this experience a LOT here. A friend thinks that inviting person A to a party is the same as inviting persons A,B,C,D,E, and F!)

    Sounds like he has confidence issues too. If it were me, I would leave him alone. You cannot “make” anything happen at this point. The ball is COMPLETELY in his court. Be cordial to him at work and TRY not be overly analytical about what’s going on in his head (though I KNOW you are DYING to know lololol)! Also, don’t start “dressing down”, etc. because he may like it (i can see your wheels turning!)
    Brazilian people still have traditionally “male’ and “female” roles in life. That’s probably why he was attracted to your friend when she was crying. And, believe it or not, it is also not uncommon for Brazilians to be accused of sexual harrassment all the time outside of Brazil, because of what is normal behavior for them!
    I would say, still, cut your losses. If he chooses to initiate contact again, if you are still open, go for it! But, don’t hold a candle for the dude!
  • #276392

    Anonymous

    @bbrasileira you made a great point. I do feel like he is almost retaliating/punishing me for the way she handled things with him, reporting him, etc. Since our boss wanted to make sure he wasn’t making either of us uncomfortable anymore, I briefly asked him if in their conversation, he said anything to him that would make him avoid me. Somehow he came to the conclusion that he was retaliating against me for what happened between the two of them, given that I knew about it and that our boss knew that I knew about it (even though I did not say anything against him to our boss, and this guy knows that, whether he trusts that or not is another story). But yeah, I can clearly see the lack of individual understanding from him. All this is so unfair.

    What is hard is that his direct supervisor treats us like bffs/significant others and since we both didn’t want him to know of any of this, we maintain this whole facade in front of him that makes us seem like still friends. But I feel like he is catching onto the fact that there is something wrong since he never finds me in this guy’s office anymore and we never talk about hanging out together, and at one point he knew we even walked home together in the evening. I am tired of protecting his reputation seeing that his lack of cooperation is the reason why his supervisor is suspicious to begin with. I am also pretty sure his supervisor knows about his thing with my friend, but just doesn’t know I was involved as a collateral damage in any form or fashion because I didn’t want my guy to blame his problems on me beyond how he is already has it in his head.
  • #276397

    @adelphijenny -It really is a confusing situation. Trust me..WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE :-D. Seems like a lot of miscommunication/misunderstanding here. As I said before, though, just keep it moving. If u run into him again in a nice way, try to see what happens if he initiates something. Otherwise, keep on truckin!

  • #276398

    @freddy – I am beginning to see the pattern with you. You were irritated by some Black folks, and now you are irritated by Brazilian men. Did you have a ghetto Black boyfriend that did you wrong? And now, is your Brazilian man doing you wrong too? Just pray about it hone…it gets betterBig smile

  • #276399

    Anonymous

    Haha nice way lol. I have had to go to his office with only him and me being in the room in recent history cause his boss asked and even though it was just the two of us, we carried a conversation as if nothing happened (about work) and he proceeded to lie further about how he has been busy with xyz even though I didn’t ask, I just nodded, thinking “I know you were busy last night figuring out how to block me on Whatsapp where I never ever msged you btw”. We’ve been carrying this facade for two months now. He is trying to be polite but God, do I feel like slapping across that face of his. Love hate. I would be surprised if things are ever normal, he went from walking me all the way home (x2 distance from his house) cause he wanted to fight any bad guys who’d attack me to seeing me walk home past midnight and pretending like he didn’t even see me. I can’t believe I fell for a guy like him, the whole not speaking English really makes them look a lot more innocent than they actually are.

  • #28517

    stapping
    Member

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.