Yes, the lying. And otherwise just ignore Esprit. He contributes nothing of use.

But anyway, Mr. Needsanswers, you still need to extract yourself from the drama. You are still too reactive about what she does and what she says. Really.

First, how sure are you that it is your child. Did you do a paternity test? If you have any reason for doubts, you should check this up.

Second, even if it is your child, you are still like "ah I'm not a deadbeat dad, I want the best for my child" etc. But look, the future of this child, especially his/her psychological capacities and dings will be completely determined by his mother. Short of fighting for custody, you have handed your child into its fate.

I observe in your earlier post the common mistake many child support payers make. They want receipts and they want to control that it is all "for the best of my child". This isn't possible. You may think "oh but I want the best for my child" and you think you want to pay but get the receipts. Forget it. You really can't have "the best" for your child, because it's growing up in a fused hysterical family of cheaters and liars. So, what'ya gonna do about that? Your money will not fix that. Your money you pay now is for the mother to decide, and she is likely mostly wasting it and will still badmouth you.

So, what difference will your payments make? Very little. You are guilting yourself into a position in which she continues to exploit you, and at the same time, you whine about the injustice and have victim-pukes. Stop that and think.

The lowest amount you could send is indeed nothing at all. Consider what difference that would make for the child? Possibly very little.

The highest amount you could send is every penny she asks you for, and you are doing that right now, because you react to every of her requests. But what is the rational basis for deciding? Every penny you have (not as you are running a debt!) for the best of your child? No, your debt is not the best for your child. Think about it this way: if you can afford a home and collect a fortune, your child will once inherit that. If you run yourself into debt, leave nothing behind, and give it all to mom who will dissipate the money into consumption, your child loses.

If you want to do something good for your child, you could get your own finances solid and start accumulating wealth. Save money, invest in real estate,  collect rents, etc. Then, one day, when your child turns 10 or 14, you visit him and you can see what his needs are then, when you can come in with the resources to provide for it. You can provide for the higher education of your child if you save what otherwise you would just blow into the wind. Just a thought.

So, stop reacting. Give what you think is right (which may well be much less than you're currently giving, or nothing at all, instead save it) and don't even start arguing with her about the petty small stuff. Stop letting her pressure and guilt you, and stop guilting and pressuring yourself.

I suppose that GBF is in a similar situation as you are, so give his advice a higher weight.


Edited by Squiddie - 06 August 2012 at 18:20

Originally posted by Squiddie ...If you want to do something good for your child, you could get your own finances solid and start accumulating wealth. Save money, invest in real estate,  collect rents, etc....

Ugh even I am beginning to be sick of reading my own posts too... Whatever let's see what news tomorrow brings ....

Originally posted by needanswer If I remain here I am better off dealing with the responsibilities of the debt incurred here rather than creditors hunting me down. I have been lucky as I have had personal contact with each of them and have an agreement to pay off each month rather than been sent to credit association. It is better to pay something than nothing and keep in contact at same time. Times are rough and I am at rock bottom but I know I can only go up from where I am.

You should NOT make child support payments on credit. And you should stop payments until you paid off the debt you incurred paying child support. It makes no sense.

It is not "better to pay something than nothing", and you do not pay child support to keep in contact. Herb Goldberg, in "What men still don't know about women, relationships, and love" writes in his last chapter that fathers of children of vindictive mothers should not fight to death for visitation rights and custody, instead he argues that if you are an absent father you might have a better status in your child's dreams than if you are constantly involved in this fighting way, or in the way of a sucker.

I am not telling you to break laws or cheat your child out of its right. I am suggesting however to construct an alternative right in this situation where otherwise you can't win and your child doesn't win either.

It seems like sucker-dom to me, how you describe your willingness to let yourself be financially gutted (on debt, for heaven's sake!!!) for this unreal idea that somehow you do a good thing by throwing money at your child's greedy mother.


Edited by Squiddie - 06 August 2012 at 23:23

No, a case of creative thinking, understanding your risk, picking a path, and navigating it properly.