By John Gamble
May 31, 2009
"I protest the sexuality of the Brazilians."
- Mark Helprin, "Memoirs from Antproof Case"
Hah!
As the character in that hilarious Mark Helprin novel is married to a gorgeous Brazilian woman, methinks the gentleman doth protest too much. But he was getting up there in age so...
For your consideration: the love motel aka the sex motel.
Nothing says, "We're not in Kansas anymore," quite like a visit to that Brazilian institution, the sex motel.
What is a "Sex Motel"?
You may have heard about termas in Brazil. I may cover those another time. But sex motels are completely different than termas.
Sex motels are neither raunchy nor what you'd conjure up when thinking of a typical "motel."
They're more like a cordoned-off section of the Playboy Mansion.
You rent your room or suite by the hour - or blocks of hours actually.
12 hour blocks on some nights. 4-6 hour blocks are available on weekends and holidays. That's when the business of sex really picks up steam - or steams up the mirrors.
You get the idea.
Why do sex motels exist?
The reasons include:
- In many hotels, especially the more upscale hotels and the ones that consider themselves respectable family fare, you're not allowed to entertain guests in your room.
- Many Brazilian families have several generations living together in close quarters - sharing rooms can make things frustrating at times for young people who are dating
- They're a blast - and a cool place to take your wife or girlfriend(s) for a "special" experience
- And of course, extra-marital affairs are a big part of the love motel operator's clientele
In Rio, sex motels are scattered throughout the city. They include establishments such as Bambino, Sinless and the preferred location of porn filmmakers, the upscale VIPs.
How Sex Motels Operate
Locals roll up in their car and drive into their pre-assigned garage space, close the door and enter their suite. It's very discreet.
As a foreigner, you're likely arrive in a taxi. At the drive-up window, like ordering a latte at Starbucks, you're presented with a menu. It includes pictures of your various room choices, including prices in R$, the local currency.
If your companion appears to be close to 18, they will be asked to provide proof of their legal age.
You get your key and the taxi drops you off at your room.
Inside there are two separate areas: the tiny dining area and the main arena, the suite.
When you order room service, the waiter will deliver your food into the dining area, then ring a bell when he leaves to signal the coast is clear, so to speak.
Although... even the waiters at love motels get a lot of action. Some of the girls like to parade around in front of them, naked, and sometimes take it much further.
Overall, the experience is like a fantasy: big comfy bed, large screen with porn, Internet, sauna, Jacuzzi, swimming pool, mini-bar, love chair, sex toys, dance floor with stripper's pole, music, light show, mirrors.
The largest suites have king-size beds (sometimes 2 of them) and are typically used for group parties. If you‘re open to that kind of thing.
If you want a really memorable party, you can even get a suite with a big dance floor and a disco ball. Just like your very own Studio 54, with sweaty, nubile Brazilians everywhere.
Make sure you use lots of condoms.
Yada yada yada.
When the fun comes to an end - yes, you eventually do have to leave - the waiter will deliver the bill.
You pay him. Tip around 10%.
He'll give you a receipt which you show at the drive-thru on your way out.
Alas...
Then, it's back to reality.
Of course, when your reality is Rio de Janeiro, it's not that big of a let-down.
For more on Rio de Janeiro, visit John's blog, Rio Tudo Bom, at http://www.riotudobom.com.
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